digging...
♥ My Blog ♥
+ before continuing, understand that some sensitive topics may be mentioned +
+ entries are sorted from most recent to least recent +
+ if you know me personally, please refrain from reading the censored elements, they may make you uncomfortable. +
+ entries are sorted from most recent to least recent +
+ if you know me personally, please refrain from reading the censored elements, they may make you uncomfortable. +
July 19th
I didn't realize how nervous I'd be posting here... I didn't do any updates yesterday cuz I was working on art and UI for the about-me section lol. I get kinda uncomfortable thinking about how like, my page actually has views? like around 600... which is crazy... I started this page because I didn't like how regular social medias were formatted and affected my mental health but maybe this is going to do the same. Anyways, maybe I'll see if I can change that in the settings or something, or idk, actually practice self control... lol.
its also crazy thinking about how if someone irl who knew me saw this, they'd know it was me. gross!!!! good thing they aren't on neocities. right? :sweats: anyways, on a more boring note, I had to take a photo with my coworkers today, didn't take much time but, ugh, uncomfortable. god. my head feels awful. I should probably eat lol, I had breakfast (water-bagel w fresh lemon squeezed on it w plain cream cheese. so good.) but that was like hours ago. Anyways I'm just gonna go back to working on my other pages, maybe I should invest in a pair of blue-light glasses or something, I probably stare at my screen for 90% of the time I'm awake. not even slightly exaggerating either... It's fine tho cus i still like shower so I dont feel like a complete POS.
I need to like get my shit straight tho, I kinda had an intention of documenting my life as someone who struggles w depression in a way where I could maybe show people who also struggle that they arent alone, and that they could get better! but I guess that doesn't work unless I talk about the bad stuff too, so, I won't beat myself up over it too much. I'll even use this as motivation to get out more so I can feel like a good example, even if nobody really reads these posts... because as childish as it sounds, I just really want people to be O.K. and mindful of taking care of themselves and others... we live in a really indivualistic society and even if it sounds silly, I still think it's important to try and bring people back together! because that's part of the reason people r so depressed. anyways, maybe I'll write more later but for now im done, bye!
Oh! and! I have some really cool ideas for this blog that I'm super excited to work on ;3 like a dark mode for the website, but I'll need to completely rework the pages and learn javascript to do that... ugh! I just need to stay focused on getting some basics finished. bye!, like for real this time hehe..
7:00 PM EST. guess whos back?
ate and stuff and feel way more like a person rather than a plastic bag of a person.
also feeling like I'm like soo fake and toxic positivity! grody! .. I'm going to try to stop thinking about this because it will inevitably spiral into me eating my own tail of self-flagellation. Im being like So normal right now. Avoiding taking my anxiety pills so I can continue to get worse until it hurts just so I can feel something.This is a cool life hack because it isn't considered self harm unless it's visible of course, Just like illnesses. Which pretty much means your mom won't get mad at you (not, for you. ) and then only talk about how shes affected. Do you remember the last time your mother hugged you? No, not the last time you hugged her, the last time she hugged you.
She loves you (me, I'm talking about myself through you right now so it's easier to write down.) of course, but not you. the idea of you. her perception of you. she hates the you that hated yourself, the you that still hates yourself. The you that seeks pain as a remedy for the craving that you feel to be a normal human being. she is disgusted by your scars, your bruises. she doesn't understand why they aren't gone.A week after she found out she mentioned a cream she heard of online, one that was meant to heal scars like there had never been a trace.
Such a thing does not really exist of course, but that isn't the point. She loves me. She loves them not. she loves me. she loves them not.
she wishes you were happy.
I am not.
This helped me a lot though, writing it all down. it feels very cathartic. I feel better now, and I hope I didn't spur on anything for anybody else, because I know reading stuff like that can do that to me. Good afternoon, good night, see you another time.
July 17th
Went out to the store, and the smoke from all the way up in Canada managed to reach down here. smells rank. + a month and a half left before my soul gets ripped out of my chest and shoved back in over and over again daily. a lot of my friends will be gone next school year too, moved onto college while I'm in my last year. Im just gonna keep working on my little personal oasis 4:49 PM EST + Brother got me pho so all is well in the world ♥ also said hes worried about "how easy it would be for (me) to develop
anorexia becus of my meds...